It baffles me that a child can be sexually abused for years by someone they know and trust. What amazes me most is that there are parents who become aware of this and keep such information to themselves, due to fear and judgement from members of the community upon finding out. After taking part in a heated argument with 4 adults aged between 35 and 65, it suddenly hit me. A reason I had not even thought about. A lot of our parents, their parents and their parents’ parents were married off or got introduced to sexual acts at a young age. At the time, it was a norm, a way of life. So, what does this mean for the girl child now? Times have changed, but old practices have not. It was reported in 2015 that there were 3 child marriages that took place in Botswana among the Bazezuru tribe.
Child marriages were a way of life for people living in the olden times. Many of our parents and grandparents were married off to older men at the ages of 15 or 16, or were marked for marriage while they were still toddlers. It was commonly referred to as “go bewa letlhokwa” which loosely translates to being reserved for marriage. This happened during a time when Batswana men used to work in the mines in South Africa. Usually, until the girl child is 'of age' or when she 'looks' older and 'ready' for marriage. The older man (usually 20 or 25+ years older than the girl child) upon arrival from the mines would then get married to the young girl and they would start their own family. Note that sometimes the older man would start having sexual relations with the young girl reserved for him before they even got married and it was just acceptable. The decision had been made that they were an item. Another cultural practice that perpetuated child sexual abuse is called “go adimiwa” which loosely translates to 'being borrowed'. This means that young girls were ‘borrowed’ by the family of the man who was supposed to marry her to go and perform some household duties. She would clean the house, the yard, cook for the mans’ family and of course, be expected to perform conjugal duties.
In addition, some young girls at the time were sexually abused by their relatives and it was hidden from the public. This is another way in which young girls were first introduced to sexual activities. If the girl child fell pregnant, then family members would make up cover stories and agree to tell people that someone else was the father of the child. This was a disgrace to the family, and it was concealed due to fear of judgement and that the family would be the talk of the village. Putting it into perspective, in the past, parents had no problem marrying off their children at a young age and they did not have a problem with their children engaging in sexual activities because it was arranged. It was public knowledge that their child has been reserved for marriage. However, they had a problem with people knowing that one of their children had been raped by her relative. I wonder, does this mean that child sexual abuse is a social construct? Could it be that we are making it up when it was never a problem in the past?
In some countries where there is extreme poverty, parents may feel that giving away their daughter through marriage will help reduce family expenses, or even increase their income for a short while when the parents of the child receive bride price. Believe it or not, this still happens in Botswana though it is not talked about. When we first started working on our paedophilia campaign, we held a Kgotla meeting in Tlokweng to raise awareness about paedophilia. As we were discussing, one of the residents made a comment and said that they know people in the community who give away their female children to older men, in exchange for food. Apparently, if the man does not deliver on his end of the bargain, the girl’s parents then report the man to the police as rape.
What does this say about our beliefs, practices, and social norms?
I believe this shows a link between practices that were done in the past and shows how they continue now. Looking at it from a cultural point of view, I believe culture is one of the many reasons why parents do not report incidents of child sexual abuse. I mean, if my great grand-parents, grand-parents and parents engaged in organized child marriages, in essence to them, it was acceptable and public knowledge. How could they ever know that it is wrong, right?
Adding fuel to the fire, children were also discouraged from asking any questions about practices they did not understand. Everything that happened in the past was top secret. When I inquire more about this, adults around me use scare tactics to discourage me from asking more questions. I am always told not to ask too many questions, and that’s it. That ladies and gentlemen is the reason why I should not ask questions about things that I do not understand. Furthermore, fear of being judged by people in society, the "batho ba tla reng" syndrome which loosely translates to "what will people say" also contributes to parents or guardians not reporting known cases of child sexual abuse that go on in the family. There is a lot of stigma and fear attached to it.
So how do we explain child sexual abuse to someone who got married off at 14?
Remember that marriage was an arrangement in the past. Such experiences are highly likely to be traumatic and would make one angry when thinking about it. They probably did not want to take part in such an arrangement but the way i see it, one did not have a choice or say in the matter. Maybe bygones should be bygones.
To answer the question above, we could explain the value of having a girl child in the family. Show parents how past female leaders have contributed to the history books. The likes of Dr Maya Angelou. I mean seriously, have you seen how the media is praising the New Zealand Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern for handling the Covid-19 pandemic in her country? If that doesn’t s how valuable women are, then I don’t know what will. Furthermore, we could communicate the effects of marrying off female children at a young age, they are subjected to abuse in all forms, emotional, psychological, and physical abuse. Not to mention they are at high risk of dying at child-birth. Maybe if we help them understand these things, then they might snap out of their olden ways. However, it is important to note, we have a long way to go.
In conclusion, culture plays a huge role in what we do today. Our beliefs and responses to child sexual abuse are HEAVILY influenced by how we were raised. In an environment that ‘sold out’ the girl child to put food on the table, and because it was a way of life that people saw nothing wrong with. Furthermore, we could do away with such practices by showing and communicating the value that comes with having a girl child and. Further communicate the emotional, physical and psychological effects that come with marrying off a girl child.
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